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Post by ian on May 16, 2013 9:22:34 GMT
I thought about this because my work colleague has just walked down the office carrying two mugs of coffee. Looking at him with pleading eyes I asked him 'where's mine' and he replied 'I'll bring yours when I have more hands' I said 'where are you fetching it from? ... Sellafield!!!'  |
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Post by Catherine on May 16, 2013 10:43:05 GMT
Brilliant thread, Ian, karma!!
In chatting to a couple, that we knew really only by sight as regulars at the wee gigs Hi Fi Pete's band plays, Darling Man was chatting to Dangerous Dave (a cruel nickname bestowed upon the short, slightly built,balding, bespectacled and cardinganed chap by the pub landlord) and I was listening (as opposed to talking, because she was the worse for drink) to his lady wife.
She rambled on about how life had been hard for her mother, improving slightly when she ditched her violent drunkard of a husband, when she became the single Mum of four children but they were happy and it could have been so much worse.....etc and so on........THEN.......her Mum, now a very elderly lady, was saddened to think that her husband had never really loved her and she probably ended up not loving him. Elderly Mum was wistful about never having a truly loving emotional and physical relationship with a man.
In fact, elderly Mum had confided in her daughter, she was fairly sure that, despite a sex life, at least active enough to produce four children, she really didn't think she'd ever had an eclipse!!!!! ;D Bless her!! 
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Post by penny on May 16, 2013 11:50:10 GMT
That reminds me, Catherine, of once when Peter was in court and an elderly witness very angrily said she had seen the couple in the dock outside in a lane having "annual" sex!
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Post by ian on May 16, 2013 14:42:54 GMT
That reminds me, Catherine, of once when Peter was in court and an elderly witness very angrily said she had seen the couple in the dock outside in a lane having "annual" sex! ;D |
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Post by penny on May 16, 2013 14:51:51 GMT
That reminds me, Catherine, of once when Peter was in court and an elderly witness very angrily said she had seen the couple in the dock outside in a lane having "annual" sex! ;D Even the judge had to stop himself from laughing! ;D |
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Post by ian on May 16, 2013 17:38:28 GMT
One of the classics in our house came when my wife was expecting our 2nd child. Our Nikki would have been four years old and we often talked to her about what was happening. One night I was putting her to bed and asked if she'd like a brother or a sister. She thought for a minute before smiling and telling me that she'd like an older brother!! Priceless |
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Post by C.Cat on May 16, 2013 19:59:10 GMT
There was a family get together today, and my nana was talking about going into an air raid shelter at her school. Uncle Nick asked "Why/when" to which she replied: "The war"  |
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Post by Catherine on May 17, 2013 6:50:17 GMT
I have posted this on here before but a long time ago - it was only a matter of time before I started to repeat myself!! However, this one is worth it, I reckon!!
Dad was a demon with the carpet shampoo Bex Bissell thing and got very houseproud after drowning the carpet..........we would come thundering in through the back door STOP!!!!!
Get your feet (shoes) off!! It's not the outside you're in!!
No wonder we're daft!! Darling Dad
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Post by ian on May 17, 2013 18:21:32 GMT
I have posted this on here before but a long time ago - it was only a matter of time before I started to repeat myself!! However, this one is worth it, I reckon!!
Dad was a demon with the carpet shampoo Bex Bissell thing and got very houseproud after drowning the carpet..........we would come thundering in through the back door STOP!!!!!
Get your feet (shoes) off!! It's not the outside you're in!!
No wonder we're daft!! Darling Dad Cute story and exactly the thing I was thinking of when I started this thread |
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Post by ian on May 17, 2013 18:35:25 GMT
Most of us probably remember passing our driving tests and how eager we were to offer lifts to all and sundry just so we could show off our new found skills? I was just 17 when I passed mine and when my Grandad needed ferrying to hospital for an appointment at the outpatients I was glad to volunteer.
With Gramps in the passenger seat alongside me and my Grandma and Great Aunty Gwen in the back, we set off for the hossie. On the way home afterwards, the two old dears in the back were talking at each other and not always listening, like old people do and the conversation went something like this.
"Did you see that woman from the post office in the waiting room?"
"Yes, I wonder what she was in for"
*pause*
"Haemorrhoids?"
*longer pause*
"I don't know what her name was"
;D
I turned and grinned at my Grandad and he just rolled his eyes and shook his head in that world weary way that I have only understood the meaning of as I've got older myself
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Post by Catherine on May 18, 2013 9:41:34 GMT
Dad, when not shampooing the carpet, was fond of bestowing nicknames on innocent children. Mum was childminder for a while for two of my older cousins, one younger, one older than His Chrisness. I know not why but these three wee boys became.....
the man with the two left feet,
the man that screwed the nail in the baby's face and
the man that ate the belly oot the ludgers' (lodger's) shirt!!!!
Chris was also, eat the breid and ba' heid!!
Naturally, I was only and always Golden Girl, right up until Dad's death in 1988
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Post by Catherine on May 20, 2013 11:21:13 GMT
Mum and I were queueing outside the Toledo, our local cinema, I would be about 5 or 6 years old. Bored, just waiting to get in, I fell to reading the giant posters on the walls, advertising coming attractions.
I got to the bit that stated "X-rated"and as I didn't understand, asked Mum what it meant. It means that the film is for adults only, explained Mum. Oh, well we can't go then, because we're Catholics. Mum laughed and laughed!!
All hail, the power of indoctrination!!
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Post by Catherine on May 20, 2013 11:28:13 GMT
My son, Christopher, was, at four years old, in reception class at primary school. The delightful Miss Larkin, their wonderful teacher was running through the basics of the alphabet.........she said, explaining the question she was about to ask..........if apple begins with a and ball begins with b, what does candle start with?
A match, quoth son mine.
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Post by mehrtsfan on May 20, 2013 12:25:26 GMT
My pal's wife says 'I'm not buying biscuits you'll only eat them'.
What else would you do with them.
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Post by mehrtsfan on May 20, 2013 12:26:26 GMT
My mother used to say ' this and much may do but this and nowt will never do'.
I think it was a call to get going.
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Post by Catherine on May 23, 2013 6:05:28 GMT
My mother used to say ' this and much may do but this and nowt will never do'. I think it was a call to get going. |
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Post by Catherine on May 23, 2013 6:10:55 GMT
Customer comes into the trade counter, at the company where Darling Man works. Customer holds up a 3" bzp pozi screw and says to Vince, who works on the trade counter, "do you have any of these, please?" Vince says, "yes, how many?" and trundles off to fetch them.
Vince gets back to the counter with the customer's desired fixings, then the customer says "do you have any longer than that?"
"No," says Vince, "all our 3" screws are this long"!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by penny on May 24, 2013 7:17:09 GMT
Customer comes into the trade counter, at the company where Darling Man works. Customer holds up a 3" bzp pozi screw and says to Vince, who works on the trade counter, "do you have any of these, please?" Vince says, "yes, how many?" and trundles off to fetch them.
Vince gets back to the counter with the customer's desired fixings, then the customer says "do you have any longer than that?"
"No," says Vince, "all our 3" screws are this long"!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Shades of the Two Ronnies there I feel!! Four candles? Fork handles! ;D |
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Post by penny on May 24, 2013 20:22:33 GMT
Heard people being interviewed on R4 yesterday about the murder of Drummer Lee Rigby. One of them said "My grandad fought for this country, if he was alive now he'd be turning in his grave".
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Post by Catherine on Jun 24, 2013 17:16:22 GMT
The following true story came to pass on Friday, in the supermarket........
I was looking all along the endless varieties of ice cream, as I was planning on putting some with the fruit tarts we were having for dessert on the Saturday, when my cousin and her husband would be with us for dinner.
I could, however, only get so far along the long line of freezers as there was a fellow seriously stocking up on Waitrose own brand vanilla ice cream; he had his basket balanced on the edge of the freezer while he decimated the stocks therein; he had two towers six high and was struggling with it.
It looked rather amusing, so I said to him - "jelly and ice cream, then?" He replied, totally straight faced, as he turned to go along the aisle to the checkout, "No, it's for a barbecue".
My, I thought, witty repost was, with a mock shocked look on my face, "You're going to barbecue ice-cream?" 
"No", he said, "it's for dessert", with the same perfectly straight face. He was obviously traumatised by having to make the mercy dash to the supermarket 
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Post by penny on Jun 24, 2013 21:21:36 GMT
The following true story came to pass on Friday, in the supermarket........
I was looking all along the endless varieties of ice cream, as I was planning on putting some with the fruit tarts we were having for dessert on the Saturday, when my cousin and her husband would be with us for dinner.
I could, however, only get so far along the long line of freezers as there was a fellow seriously stocking up on Waitrose own brand vanilla ice cream; he had his basket balanced on the edge of the freezer while he decimated the stocks therein; he had two towers six high and was struggling with it.
It looked rather amusing, so I said to him - "jelly and ice cream, then?" He replied, totally straight faced, as he turned to go along the aisle to the checkout, "No, it's for a barbecue".
My, I thought, witty repost was, with a mock shocked look on my face, "You're going to barbecue ice-cream?"
"No", he said, "it's for dessert", with the same perfectly straight face. He was obviously traumatised by having to make the mercy dash to the supermarket I wonder if he found the Sense of Humour aisle, I think they were on offer two for one this week! |
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Post by Catherine on Jun 25, 2013 6:33:04 GMT
The following true story came to pass on Friday, in the supermarket........
I was looking all along the endless varieties of ice cream, as I was planning on putting some with the fruit tarts we were having for dessert on the Saturday, when my cousin and her husband would be with us for dinner.
I could, however, only get so far along the long line of freezers as there was a fellow seriously stocking up on Waitrose own brand vanilla ice cream; he had his basket balanced on the edge of the freezer while he decimated the stocks therein; he had two towers six high and was struggling with it.
It looked rather amusing, so I said to him - "jelly and ice cream, then?" He replied, totally straight faced, as he turned to go along the aisle to the checkout, "No, it's for a barbecue".
My, I thought, witty repost was, with a mock shocked look on my face, "You're going to barbecue ice-cream?"
"No", he said, "it's for dessert", with the same perfectly straight face. He was obviously traumatised by having to make the mercy dash to the supermarket I wonder if he found the Sense of Humour aisle, I think they were on offer two for one this week! |
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Post by penny on Jun 25, 2013 21:09:00 GMT
I wonder if he found the Sense of Humour aisle, I think they were on offer two for one this week! Sounds to me as if HE was the funny peculiar one! I hope if he told someone of your conversation they pointed out you were being funny haha, sounds like he needed it explaining, the poor dear! ;D |
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Post by Catherine on Jun 26, 2013 6:22:41 GMT
ARF!! I don't think he ever found that, Penny, he bolted straight for the checkout, lest his precious cargo melt!! As we were packing our stuff, he shot past laden with four carrier bags of aforementioned ice cream - he gave me a really funny look!! As in, funny, peculiar!! ;D ;D ;D Sounds to me as if HE was the funny peculiar one! I hope if he told someone of your conversation they pointed out you were being funny haha, sounds like he needed it explaining, the poor dear! ;D He looked positively traumatised, poor lamb!! |
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Post by Ginnie on Jul 6, 2013 12:46:44 GMT
Gotta catch up on everything! Give me time...
I was outside at the mall sitting down at a bench and having a smoke. It was raining (again). The lady sitting beside me said, "It sucks". I said, "the rain ain't that bad". She said, "no, my life sucks".
I said I was sorry to hear that and then she said that walking to work there were ants everywhere. Every ten feet there were millions of ants crawling across the sidewalk.
Oh.
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