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Post by platterpete on Feb 6, 2008 16:51:42 GMT
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
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Post by craigosm on Feb 6, 2008 19:12:03 GMT
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Post by caveman on Feb 6, 2008 21:26:15 GMT
A little Jewish lady is talking to her married daughter and the daughter says" sorry mum but I'm divorcing David, all he wants is anal sex all the time, my ring used to be the size of a 5p now its like a 50p!" the mother turns to her and says" you get a £1000 pound allowance a week, you drive a Porsche, you have servants, and you have 8 or 9 holdays a year, and you're willing to give all that up for 45p!!!"
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Post by swapsnake on Feb 6, 2008 22:17:44 GMT
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, 'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now'.
He looks at her and says angrily;
'Fix the light, now? do I have electrician written on my forehead? I don't think so!'
The wife asks,
'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.'
To which he replies,
'Fix the fridge door? does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
'Fine', she says,
'Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door?' they're about to break.'
'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps', he says. 'Does it look like I have B & Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!! '
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hallway light is working. As he goes to get a lager, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
'Honey', he asks, 'How'd all this get fixed?'
She says,
'Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'
He says,
'So what kind of cake did you bake him?'
She replies,
'Hellooooo.......do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so!'
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Post by victor55 on Feb 6, 2008 22:25:41 GMT
The ultimate woman: one with two firm breasts up front and one on her back to rest yer beer
Mohmut: What do 10,000 battered woman have in common?
Achmed: They dont listen
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Post by chad on Feb 7, 2008 12:25:19 GMT
;D
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Post by craigosm on Feb 7, 2008 13:19:26 GMT
The ultimate woman: one with two firm breasts up front and one on her back to rest yer beer Mohmut: What do 10,000 battered woman have in common? Achmed: They dont listen You are better than me at this game ......
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Post by charity on Feb 7, 2008 17:12:45 GMT
The ultimate woman: one with two firm breasts up front and one on her back to rest yer beer Mohmut: What do 10,000 battered woman have in common? Achmed: They dont listen You are better than me at this game ......
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Post by victor55 on Feb 8, 2008 0:30:55 GMT
Mohmut: How many woman does it take to shingle a house? Achmed: Six if u slice them the right way Mohmut: How many woman does it take to screw in a light bulb? Achmed: Whats a light bulb? ;D Mohmut: What do u call a good lookin woman in Tehran? Achmed: Tourist ! Mohmut: Why do we not let our woman swim in the ocean? Achmed: Then we couldnt get the stink out of the fish!
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Post by craigosm on Feb 8, 2008 14:45:18 GMT
Mr Cohen dies ... His wife HAS to but an obituary in the paper, To save money she posts 'Cohen's dead' The paper phone her up and tell her for the same price she can have 5 words Next day in the paper the obituary reads
[glow=red,2,300]' Cohen dead, Volvo for sale '[/glow]
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Post by faitha on Feb 8, 2008 16:25:17 GMT
Mr Cohen dies ... His wife HAS to but an obituary in the paper, To save money she posts 'Cohen's dead' The paper phone her up and tell her for the same price she can have 5 words Next day in the paper the obituary reads
[glow=red,2,300]' Cohen dead, Volvo for sale '[/glow] Scottish version...Peter Reid fae Peterhead's Dead...Volvo for sale
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Post by craigosm on Feb 8, 2008 16:36:50 GMT
Mr Cohen dies ... His wife HAS to but an obituary in the paper, To save money she posts 'Cohen's dead' The paper phone her up and tell her for the same price she can have 5 words Next day in the paper the obituary reads
[glow=red,2,300]' Cohen dead, Volvo for sale '[/glow] Scottish version...Peter Reid fae Peterhead's Dead...Volvo for sale But my mate Pete didn't drive a Volvo ??
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Post by faitha on Feb 8, 2008 16:39:57 GMT
Scottish version...Peter Reid fae Peterhead's Dead...Volvo for sale But my mate Pete didn't drive a Volvo ?? You have mates?....and with Christian names...feckin wow!!!
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Post by craigosm on Feb 8, 2008 19:46:37 GMT
STILL .... not fer long tho
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Post by craigosm on Feb 8, 2008 19:50:09 GMT
Check the craic Vic ... all is not lost to PC do gooders ..
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Post by charity on Feb 8, 2008 20:46:54 GMT
Wrong is wrong and I'm not letting you wind me up
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Post by charity on Feb 8, 2008 21:40:36 GMT
Check the craic Vic ... all is not lost to PC do gooders ..
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Post by penny on Feb 8, 2008 21:45:12 GMT
Check the craic Vic ... all is not lost to PC do gooders .. ;D ;D ;D LOL! Have a karma, Margie!
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Post by platterpete on Feb 8, 2008 22:56:10 GMT
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
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Post by charity on Feb 8, 2008 23:01:49 GMT
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house." kudos for getting this thread back on track pete
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Post by platterpete on Feb 8, 2008 23:08:56 GMT
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
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Post by platterpete on Feb 8, 2008 23:10:04 GMT
Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week." Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room. The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?"
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Post by platterpete on Feb 8, 2008 23:12:02 GMT
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
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Post by penny on Feb 8, 2008 23:12:03 GMT
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day." ;D ;D LOL!
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Post by platterpete on Feb 8, 2008 23:26:16 GMT
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"
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