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Post by mergatroyd on Sept 7, 2007 15:40:04 GMT
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern furiously pounding shots of whiskey. His friend happens to come into the bar and sees him. 'Lou,' says the shocked friend, 'what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?' Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, 'My wife just ran off with my best friend.' He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. 'But,' says the other man, 'I'm your best friend!' The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and then slurs, 'Not anymore... He is!'
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Post by colinmcb on Sept 10, 2007 11:23:41 GMT
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern furiously pounding shots of whiskey. His friend happens to come into the bar and sees him. 'Lou,' says the shocked friend, 'what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?' Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, 'My wife just ran off with my best friend.' He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. 'But,' says the other man, 'I'm your best friend!' The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and then slurs, 'Not anymore... He is!' Sorry, mibbes ahm a wee bit slow, but ah jist don't gettit
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Post by colinmcb on Sept 10, 2007 11:29:20 GMT
A big [glow=red,2,300]HULLAWRERR[/glow] tae yeh Isobel
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Post by Catherine on Sept 10, 2007 11:44:27 GMT
I assumed that the fellow was so innebriated as to be seeing double - or am ah a choob an' aw?
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Post by colinmcb on Sept 10, 2007 12:25:44 GMT
I assumed that the fellow was so innebriated as to be seeing double - or am ah a choob an' aw? Ah hink we should baith go an join The Choobs!
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Post by sergeantfury on Sept 10, 2007 12:45:09 GMT
Deary me....the guy was so feckin happy someone had ran off with his wife that he now classed the culprit as his "best friend!)
Reminds me of a joke I saw of a guy right in the middle of a huge party, party hat on, bottle of champers in one hand, phone in the other and the caption read........."everybody shush....it's the wifes kidnappers!"
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Post by colinmcb on Sept 10, 2007 13:36:57 GMT
Anyway, can't have a 'Joke of the week' that is so pish, it needs explaining, so:
Pavorotti marches up to the The Pearly Gates and hands an envelope to St.Peter addressed to God. St.Peter gets on the phone to God and God tells him to open it and read it to him.
St.Peter tells him: "It's from The Pope! it says 'here is that Tenor I owe you' "
;D
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Post by Mrs Foster on Sept 10, 2007 20:03:22 GMT
Ah really dont want to continue this joke thread thingymajig, but ah cannae help masel....>> Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and >> felt guilty all day long. >> >> No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he >> couldn't. >> >> The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. >> >> But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, >> reassuring voice in his head >> that said: >> >> Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first >> medical practitioner to >> sleep with one of their patients and you won't be >> the last. >> >> And you're single. Just let it go..." >> >> >> >> But invariably another voice in his head would bring >> him back to reality, >> whispering:
>> Dave
>> Dave
>> You're a Veterinarian
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Post by colinmcb on Sept 11, 2007 11:43:12 GMT
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Post by colinmcb on Sept 11, 2007 11:46:29 GMT
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern furiously pounding shots of whiskey. His friend happens to come into the bar and sees him. 'Lou,' says the shocked friend, 'what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?' Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, 'My wife just ran off with my best friend.' He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. 'But,' says the other man, 'I'm your best friend!' The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and then slurs, 'Not anymore... He is!' You know, it's taken me the best part of a week, but the penny has finally fallen... I get it now! I'll get me coat...
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isobel
Junior Member
Posts: 58
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Post by isobel on Sept 14, 2007 19:45:05 GMT
Hullo Colin, nice of a Paisley Buddie to say hello - worked in Paisley for years. Enjoyed the jokes folks wont be telling any in big trouble at work for e-mailing joke with 'inappropriate material' very very funny - someone sent it to me I passed it to someone else who sent it to 5 then 15 so on... Hope to see the Band at the ABC
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Post by platterpete on Sept 18, 2007 15:30:10 GMT
Hakimara and Joshimuru are two public workers for Tokyo city council. They have both been employed by the council for thirty years cleaning the city' sewers. Both are invited to a ceremony to honour workers for long service and attend with their families.
The mayor calls Hakimara and Joshimuru onto the stage to present their awards.
"Tell me Hakiimara", says the Mayor, "You have both been doing this job for thirty years now without complaint and without either of you taking a day sick or industrial action. You must be happy in your work"
Hakimara tells the mayor that he has indeed enjoyed his work over the many years and smiles proudly as his medal is awarded.
The mayor turns to Joshimuru and say, "Well Joshimuru, it is indded and honour to meet two such dedicated workers. You must know each other very well after working together for so long".
Jushimuru replies "Honourable Mayor, I am sad to say that Hakimara and I have never met before. He always works a 12 hour night shift and I always work a 12 hour day shift. Until today we had never met despite both of us working to maintain the sewers of the city in pristine condition for thirty years.
The mayor turns again to Hakimara and says, "Surely Hakimara this cannot be true. You have never met in thirty years? Can this really be the case?"
Hakimara looks at the Mayor and says
"Honourable mayor, it is indeed true, we are like two nips that pass in the sh*te!"
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Post by platterpete on Sept 19, 2007 10:57:08 GMT
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and group of builders. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She Hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"
The little girl thought for a moment and said..............
"I think so. Provided those b*****ds at Jewson deliver the f***ing bricks."
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Post by Catherine on Sept 19, 2007 12:19:05 GMT
ColinMcB - wait for me! Do you think a band called the Choobs has a future of any sort??
A japanese automotive company was awarded the contract to design & build the vehicle in which the late Pav was to be conveyed to his funeral and final resting place.
The earliest drafts rather resembled something of a cross between a 4 wheel drive vehicle and a bungalow.
It's to be known as the NISSAN DORMA!!!!!!!! (sorry!)
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Post by Catherine on Sept 19, 2007 12:21:26 GMT
and.......Dave the vet brought the office to a standstill because I gave vent to a mighty and most hearty chuckle attack!
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Post by colinmcb on Sept 20, 2007 11:45:26 GMT
ColinMcB - wait for me! Do you think a band called the Choobs has a future of any sort?? A japanese automotive company was awarded the contract to design & build the vehicle in which the late Pav was to be conveyed to his funeral and final resting place. The earliest drafts rather resembled something of a cross between a 4 wheel drive vehicle and a bungalow. It's to be known as the NISSAN DORMA!!!!!!!! (sorry!) A Scottish tribute band... But would they come?
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Post by Mrs Foster on Sept 22, 2007 20:46:49 GMT
Ooohh soooo troooo......................Celtic manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.
Two weeks later the 'Tic are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Celtic! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says in an Iraqi accent. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
' Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!'
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Post by platterpete on Oct 11, 2007 11:53:09 GMT
The afterlife:
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact; "Mary. Mary." "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
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Post by thetomahawkkid58 on Oct 13, 2007 11:51:02 GMT
local paper hears of a blind man who does skydiving, editor finds this almost impossible to believe so he sends a reporter down to check this out. reporter goes to the blind mans door and knocks, and the blind man opens the door. hello said the reporter, im from the local paper and would like to do a wee story on your skydiving. come in says the blind man, would you like a cup of tea, eh yes please says the reporter.. so the blind man walks into the kitchen and easily rattles out two cups of tea, if you dont mind me saying says the reporter you made that cup of tea so easy. oh its no problem says the blind man i know exactly where everything is. oh said the reporter, tell me how can you possibly skydive ?, oh its easy says the blind man, the hardest bit is getting out the plane, but they put my hand on a wee handle tap me on the shoulder and out i go. but how do you know when to pull the rip cord asks the reporter, oh thats easy says the blind man we always jump from 15000 feet, so i just count to fifteen and pull the rip cord. but how do you know when you are coming in to land says the reporter ?, oh easy again says the blind man being blind i have a very acute sense of smell and can smell the grass and the tree's coming up to meet me. amazing says the reporter, but how do you know when to put your feet down ?, oh says the blind man thats also very easy......................................................................................the lead goes slack
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Post by brillbill on Oct 14, 2007 13:28:11 GMT
Pavarotti died broke so they have launched a fund raising campaign to pay for his funeral. Its called "Stick a tenor in the box"...
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Post by platterpete on Oct 18, 2007 18:22:08 GMT
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. . . . That word is: STERNUM!"
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Post by platterpete on Oct 25, 2007 19:18:06 GMT
GOLFING WITH THE WIFE
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee. As she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals a lack of underwear. Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's 10. Go buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"She too explains "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
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Post by bleedinfingers on Oct 25, 2007 23:30:25 GMT
I was standin having a piss next to a big black guy, he was huge i said " my god thats huge" He said my mother used to hang a stone from it when i was a kid. So i went home tied a brick to mine. I went to the same pub 2 weeeks later the big black guy was there. He said "did ya try it" i said yeah im half way there my nobs no bigger but its as black as f**k.
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Post by colinmcb on Oct 28, 2007 19:22:52 GMT
GOLFING WITH THE WIFE The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee. As she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals a lack of underwear. Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's 10. Go buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"She too explains "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
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Post by platterpete on Nov 11, 2007 22:35:20 GMT
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's rear end."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,"Hey, this looks like yours!"
I don't remember much after that.
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