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Post by Mrs Foster on Nov 27, 2007 10:03:20 GMT
MORNING SEX--------------------------- She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.' His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her And then gave it his all; Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' And returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.' ;D
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Post by Mrs Foster on Nov 29, 2007 22:13:09 GMT
See guys.... There is a manual to women after all!!
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are Right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more Minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, And you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing Usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying !!!!!!!!!!!!!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
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Post by platterpete on Nov 30, 2007 19:58:43 GMT
A man took his wife to the Royal Lancashire Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached saying, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said,
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
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Post by platterpete on Nov 30, 2007 19:59:46 GMT
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The "iTit" will cost between £399 to £599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because, Women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Post by Mrs Foster on Dec 4, 2007 14:55:32 GMT
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says,
'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'
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Post by Catherine on Dec 4, 2007 15:37:51 GMT
This is only meant in the nicest possible way - no offence to any race colour or creed - it just made me giggle ;D ;D ;D
The Sudan situation regarding the ill thought through naming of a teddy bear after the Prophet Mohammed has triggered a further unforseen and far reaching backlash..........Sooty has had to cancel his tour of Jamaica ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Mrs Foster on Dec 10, 2007 11:06:02 GMT
An elderly couple was attending a church service.
She leans over and says to her husband,
"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Post by platterpete on Dec 10, 2007 12:06:01 GMT
I got through to the Iraqi Samaritans earlier today, when I said I was feeling suicidal the woman on the phone got all excited and asked me if I could fly a plane....
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Post by platterpete on Dec 10, 2007 12:07:24 GMT
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off of him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything , that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00................on one condition"
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her Address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said..............
"Clean my house."
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Post by platterpete on Dec 10, 2007 12:09:36 GMT
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag..."
"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the soccer stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie
Through the bushes, I say,
"$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
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Post by platterpete on Dec 10, 2007 12:12:33 GMT
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we Started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you Swear after me, ok?'
"Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants For breakfast.
"Oh sh*t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops.
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got Up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?".
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."
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Post by colinmcb on Dec 10, 2007 12:55:27 GMT
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Post by sergeantfury on Dec 10, 2007 12:56:53 GMT
;D
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Post by thetomahawkkid58 on Dec 10, 2007 14:44:50 GMT
;D ;D
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Post by Catherine on Dec 10, 2007 19:10:42 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Mrs Foster on Dec 10, 2007 21:01:17 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Ah've taken that too far so ah huv... ;D
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Post by sahb76 on Dec 11, 2007 0:04:12 GMT
BREAKING NEWS.......
The Government have agreed that British toy shops will be allowed to continue to sell Teddy Bears as long as they don't make a prophet of of them!!!!
OK OK what do you want from me??
Mick
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Post by Catherine on Dec 11, 2007 8:16:45 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Ah've taken that too far so ah huv... ;D Not at all Missus - there are faces out there with no smiles - so you thought you'd share some of yours
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Post by craigosm on Dec 11, 2007 10:33:42 GMT
If U had sex every day for 365 days, melted all the condoms down and made a trye outta them .. what would ya call it AN EFFIN 'GOODYEAR ' ...... boom boom !!! I'll just get me coat.
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Post by colinmcb on Dec 11, 2007 13:02:10 GMT
BREAKING NEWS....... The Government have agreed that British toy shops will be allowed to continue to sell Teddy Bears as long as they don't make a prophet of of them!!!! OK OK what do you want from me?? Mick topical
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Post by Sahbotage on Dec 11, 2007 16:31:49 GMT
The scene is set- a dark night, cold wind howling, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the night sky.
Three hang glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Scotland, one from seth efrika and one from new zulland, each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins.........
Kivin the kwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider therees, why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale and wristled hm to du ground and killed em with my beer hends"
Hansie from seth efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
" well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted wid me bare hinds and beet it's hed off ind den sucked the poison from it's boby down in one gulp, a end i'm still here!"
Meanwhile, Tam the Scotsman remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his cock.
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Post by Sahbotage on Dec 11, 2007 16:33:17 GMT
Thingy? ? it's suposed to say c o c k suposed??? it's supposed to say supposed!!!!!!!!!! ruddy anti swear police bunch of cnuts
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Post by colinmcb on Dec 11, 2007 17:12:22 GMT
Thingy? ? it's suposed to say c o c k suposed??? it's supposed to say supposed!!!!!!!!!! ruddy anti swear police bunch of cnuts The joke wisnae bad, but this is better
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Post by platterpete on Dec 13, 2007 4:27:16 GMT
"I love going down to the playground and watching all the children shouting and jumping...
...cos they don't know I'm only using blanks"
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Post by platterpete on Dec 13, 2007 4:28:52 GMT
Three girls were on the run from the cops - a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. During the subsequent high speed chase the red head spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.
Once at the farm all three girls girls climbed into a potato sack. The cops came to the potato farm, looked around, but saw no sign of the girls. The sheriff started kicking potato sacks to see if maybe they were hiding.
The sheriff kicked the bag with the red head in it and she yelped “Bark Bark” so they thought it was a dog. He kicked another sack, this one with the brunette in it, and she said “Meow Meow” so they thought it was a cat. Finally, just as the sheriff was about to give up - he kicked one last bag, with the blonde inside, and heard “POTATO!”
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