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Post by platterpete on Dec 13, 2007 4:38:13 GMT
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.
I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: (swallowing) - Me: Hello - AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... - Me: Is this AT&T? - AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... - Me: This is AT&T? - AT&T: Yes This is AT&T... - Me: Is this AT&T? - AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please? - Me: May I ask who is calling? - AT&T: This is AT&T. - Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
- Me: Hello? - AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? - Me: May I ask who is calling please? - AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... - Me: Is this AT&T? - AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... - Me: This is AT&T? - AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron? - Me: Yes, is this AT&T? - AT&T: Yes sir. - Me: The phone company? - AT&T: Yes sir. - Me: I thought you said this was AT&T. - AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company. - Me: I already have a phone. - AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. - Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.
- AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. - Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? - AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes - sir, that's right! 24 hours a day! - Me: 7 days a week? - AT&T: That's right. - Me: 365 days a year? - AT&T: Yes sir. - Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing! - AT&T: We think so! - Me: That's quite a sum of money! - AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up. - Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? - AT&T: Excuse me? - Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. - AT&T: What are you talking about? - Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. - AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. - Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T? - AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...... - Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me. - AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for..... - Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please! - AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary. - Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? - AT&T: What? - Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! - AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
- Supervisor: Mr. Byron? - Me: Yeth? - Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. - Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? - Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
- Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. - Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. - Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
- AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan? - Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother... - AT&T: (click)
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Post by platterpete on Dec 13, 2007 4:42:08 GMT
These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Post by sahb76 on Dec 14, 2007 14:51:30 GMT
A Scouser is sitting at the bar having a few drinks.In walks a gay guy who eyes him up. After a few beers the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to speak to the Scouser. "Do you fancy a bl*w job?" he whispers. The Scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the gay guy to a pulp,kicking him out the door. The barman comes over and says "Christ! what did he say to you?" "Dunno" replies the Scouser, "Something about a job !!" Cheers Mick ;D
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Post by sahb76 on Dec 14, 2007 14:59:47 GMT
3 guys with speech impediments are in therapy. The therapist is blonde,petite and as fit as f*ck. She says to the guys "if you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll suck your c*ck all the way down. 1st guy stammers "BBBBBirmingham." 2nd one says "MMMMManchester." The third one a paddy stands up and composes himself and says "London" and she gets his old fella out and gives him the best BJ he has ever had and as he cums he sighs "dddderry>"!!
OOPS a bit risque but funny Cheers Mick ;D
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Post by sahb76 on Dec 14, 2007 15:06:37 GMT
AND THERE'S MORE A couple are driving home and they hit wound a skunk which runs out in front of them. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. "It's shivering,it must be cold,what should I do?" The husband says "put it between your legs to keep it warm" The wife says "But it stinks"!! The husband says "So hold it's f*cking nose...."
Watch out for some more wholesome family comedy moments coming soon...Mick
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Post by platterpete on Dec 18, 2007 22:01:21 GMT
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
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Post by Sahbotage on Dec 19, 2007 11:15:20 GMT
Dear sahbsters, It has been brought to our atention that certain individuals on this forum have been using foul language during the course of their postings, due to complaints from some people this type of language will no longer be tolerated, we do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating. Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative "try saying" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue without causing offence.
1) try saying "I thinkyou could do with more training" instead of "you don't have a f##king clue do you?" 2)"she's an aggresive go-getter" instead of "She's a f##king power crazy pregnant dog" 3)"Perhaps I should work late" instead of "and when the f##k do you expect me to do this" 4)"i'm certain that isn't feasible" instead of "f##k off a#se wipe" 5)"really" instead of "well f##k me old boots" 6)"perhaps you should check with" instead of "here's 20p, go tell someone who gives a f##k" 7)"I wasn't involved with that project" instead of "not my f##king problem mate" 8)"that's interesting" instead of "what the f##k are you pulling through you now" 9)"I'm not sure this can be implemented withi the given timescale" instead of "no f#king chance" 10)"It will be tight, but i'll try to schedule it in" instead of "why the f##k didn't you tell me that yesterday" 11)"He's not familiar with the issue" instead of "he hasn't got a f##king clue" 12)"Excuse me " instead of "Oi, f##k face" 13)"sorry, we had problems with the sound" instead of "i'm not playing this f##king shit hole again"
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Post by Sahbotage on Dec 19, 2007 11:18:33 GMT
The swear police are at it again, nuts instead of S#it, what is the world coming to?
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Post by craigosm on Dec 23, 2007 22:05:32 GMT
For all the Footba heeds .. Including me ...
'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' - Ian Rush
'For those of you watching in black & white, Tottenham are wearing yellow' - John Motson
'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European.' - Phil Neville
'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.' - Alan Shearer
'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry
'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.' - Steve Lomas
'The keeper was unsighted - he still didn't see it.' - Ron Atkinson
'Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's - movement and positioning.' - Ron Atkinson
'We must have had 99% of the game. It was the other 3% that cost us the match.' - Ruud Gullit
'To be really happy, we must throw our hearts over the bar and hope that our bodies will follow.' - Graham Taylor
'We're going to start the game at nil-nil and go out and try to get some goals.' - Bryan Robson
'I'm a firm believer that if the other side scores first you have to score twice to win.' - Howard Wilkinson
'If we can play like that every week we'll get some level of consistency.' - Alex Ferguson
'If it had gone in, it would have been a goal.' - Joe Royle
'Of the nine red cards this season we probably deserved half of them.' - Arsene Wenger
'I've spoken to five managers in the past eight days and 85% of them have called me to chat about my players' - Martin O'Neill
'We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day' - Bobby Gould
'Everyone's got tough games coming up. Manchester United have got Arsenal, Arsenal have got Manchester United and Leeds have got Leeds' - Bobby Robson
'The underdogs will start favourites for this match.' - Craig Brown
'Overall I think we dominated for 75% of the game, but we have to make sure we do that for the other 15.' - Dave Jones
'If Ricardo Gardner should have been sent off, there should have been four players sent off for each side. So the match should have ended up six against six.' - Sam Allardyce
'We are a young side that will only get younger' - Paul Hart
'If you can get through the first round you have a good chance of getting into the next one.' - Nigel Worthington
'Matches don't come any bigger than FA Cup quarter-finals' - Neil Warnock
'Although we are playing Russian Roulette we are obviously playing Catch 22 at the moment and it's a difficult scenario to get my head round' - Paul Sturrock
'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe that we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton
'I'd like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper
'We reckon Carlton covers every blade of grass... but then you have to if your first touch is that crap.' - Dave Jones
'They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different' - Kevin Keegan
'Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales' - Ron Greenwood
'On our last shopping spree we bought a banana-shaped telephone for £500 which looks really nice in the house.' - Robbie Savage
'The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes.' - Steve Coppell
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Post by craigosm on Dec 23, 2007 22:09:17 GMT
Three dustmen are doing their last round before Christmas. The first goes to a house, knocks and finds himself being invited in by a stunning blonde, who takes him upstairs and gives him a good seeing to. Afterwards, he rushes out and brags to his two pals about it. So the second decides to try his luck. Sure enough, the same thing happens to him. Finally, the dustcart driver, reckoning he's on to a sure thing, gets out and knocks on the door. The woman answers, smiles and gives him a fiver. Severely disappointed, the man asks: 'How come I just get money, when you gave my pals a proper Christmas bonus?' 'Well,' the woman replies, 'when I asked my husband about tipping you all, he said 'Give the driver £5 - screw the other two'.'
Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
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Post by victor55 on Dec 23, 2007 23:32:49 GMT
Jesus enters an inn, throws 4 nails down on the counter and sez to the keeper- can u put me up fpr the night? (I'll burn for that one)
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Post by colinmcb on Dec 26, 2007 19:30:18 GMT
Murphy’s Nails
Murphy owned a not-very-successful nails factory in Co. Kerry. He decided to give things a boost, so he called in an advertising agency to make an ad for TV. Three weeks later the agency rang saying his new ad would get its first showing on the following Wednesday night during Coronation Street. Murphy invited all his friends and relations round to his house to see the ad.
The ad came on and the camera zoomed in on a grassy field and there was lovely background music. The camera then moved over the grass and up the side of a hill. At the top of the hill it came to the bottom of a cross. It slowly moved up the cross… to reveal Jesus on the cross. It moved out to his hands to show the nails driven through the hands. A voice then said: “Always use Murphy’s nails”.
Murphy and his friends were appalled. Next day all the newspapers and media chat-shows were discussing the tasteless and irreverent ad for Murphy’s nails. Murphy became the most hated man in the country and business slumped to an even lower level than before. Murphy rang the advertising agency in despair and asked them to change the ad. Three weeks later they rang saying there would be a new ad the following night.
Murphy got all his friends in again. The ad came on - as before the camera focused on the grass, same background music. “Shit, I’m fucked” says Murphy. The camera went up the hill and came to a cross, moving up … this time there was no one on the cross. The camera looked off into the distance …. and there was Jesus legging it across the fields. A voice rang out: “They should have used Murphy’s nails!”.
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Post by victor55 on Dec 26, 2007 20:12:06 GMT
Thank you Colin, I'll need company down here
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Post by platterpete on Dec 27, 2007 20:14:56 GMT
December 14, 1992 My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always,
Agnes
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December 15, 1992 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love,
Agnes
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December 16, 1992 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love,
Agnes
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December 17, 1992 Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18, 1992 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
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December 19, 1992 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20, 1992 John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21, 1992 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass. Agnes
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December 22, 1992 Hey meathead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !
Agnes
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December 23, 1992 You rotten prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you ! Agnes
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December 24, 1992 Listen Fuckhead: What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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December 25, 1992 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
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Post by victor55 on Dec 29, 2007 16:12:14 GMT
A man is in the doctors office & the doctor sez 'sorry" and gives him 6 months The man sez "but doc I canr t pay!" ..So he gave him another 6 months
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Post by platterpete on Dec 29, 2007 17:54:53 GMT
What do older women have between their breasts that younger women don't have?
A belly button
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Post by platterpete on Dec 29, 2007 17:59:08 GMT
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
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Post by victor55 on Dec 29, 2007 18:14:49 GMT
a man walks into a bar and sees a horse standing there with a sign around it's neck that says "make the horse laugh and win $100.-So he walks over to the horse and whispers something into its ear -next thing u kno the horse is laughing hysterically.The bartender is amazed he tells the man that hes had the horse for a year ,and no one has been able to do that. So he gives him the $100 dollars 3 weeks later the man gos into the bar and the horse is still there with the sign around his neck, he ask the bartender if he can give it another go .The bartender says no if u want the money this time u got to make him cry. So the man walks over to the horse and whispers something in its ear, and sure enough the horse starts crying like a baby Now the bartender is besides himself, he gives the guy the money and asks what the hell did u say to the horse to win both times?
The man sez " well the first time I told the horse my dick was bigger than his; and the second time I showed him"
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Post by Mrs Foster on Dec 30, 2007 20:25:39 GMT
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
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Post by victor55 on Dec 31, 2007 0:21:27 GMT
Thingy!!?-who stole my nickname for Sir Richard?
A man walks into a bar and sits on the barstool, the bartender comes over and notices that the man has a 12 inch man sittin on his shoulder he asks them what will u have ? the man says a hamburger ,french fries and a Guinness and the same for my friend here so the barkeep brings them the order and the next thing u know the 12 inch man jumps off the mans shoulder, grabs the burger, flings it across the bar, takes the fries and throws them up in the air and drains-the Guinness onto the floor.
well the man apologizes to the barkeep slips him an extra 20$ and sez please just bring another order-so the bar keep comes back in a Little while with the same order, and sure enough the l12 inch man jumps off his shoulder again and trashes the food all over again and hops back on the mans'shoulder. The barkeep now very angry and sez to man whats up with that guy on your shoulder?-The man replies -well on my way over here I saw this lamp sittin in the garbage, so i took it and rubbed it and out pops this genie,he says I get one wish; so I wished for a 12 inch prick and this is what i got.
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Post by platterpete on Jan 6, 2008 20:12:29 GMT
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly Jesus was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, Jesus said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
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Post by platterpete on Jan 8, 2008 11:19:33 GMT
OBVIUOSLY THE PREGNANT DOGES SHOULD READ A WORD THAT RHYMES WITH WITCH BEGINNING WITH B few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of pregnant doges who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of pregnant doges who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the pregnant dog in the kitchen."
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Post by victor55 on Jan 9, 2008 0:16:45 GMT
Whats the difference between unloading a truck load of watermelons & a truck load of dead babys?
..yer cant use a pitchfork on a watermelon
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Post by johnnyguitar on Jan 9, 2008 20:40:39 GMT
Male fan puts on too much lipstick goes to front door bouncer lets him in free.His freinds ask him how did you do that tickets are sold out .He said the bouncers over 50 so I told I was with the the band and he said in yee go enjoy the gig Zal .
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Post by platterpete on Jan 10, 2008 9:32:01 GMT
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My thingy is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's thingy isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real a**hole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old pregnant dog!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch porn and munch on Wotsits".
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