|
Post by colinmcb on Nov 12, 2007 13:00:59 GMT
|
|
|
Post by Mrs Foster on Nov 12, 2007 13:40:40 GMT
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief.
"I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."
And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things
I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a
bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's
good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00
bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
|
|
|
Post by thetomahawkkid58 on Nov 12, 2007 14:21:47 GMT
yo ho ho yo ho ho..nice one B.h.
|
|
|
Post by platterpete on Nov 12, 2007 17:54:44 GMT
WARNING VERY RUDE JOKE DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED
I was in the local community centre this morning giving blood when the nurse shocked me by saying "Mr Devine, I am afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating!" "Why nurse, is there something wrong with my blood?" I asked concerned "No." she replied "It's offending the other donors."
|
|
|
Post by manwithnoface on Nov 14, 2007 0:54:17 GMT
Did you hear about the guy who became unconscious eating a curry...?
He fell into a korma... !
|
|
|
Post by Mrs Foster on Nov 14, 2007 9:24:19 GMT
This is a bit long winded , but worth it......... ;D MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake.
|
|
|
Post by sergeantfury on Nov 14, 2007 15:42:37 GMT
;D
|
|
|
Post by platterpete on Nov 14, 2007 21:03:47 GMT
A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... . . . . . . . . . . Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
|
|
|
Post by ZalStillRools on Nov 16, 2007 20:06:12 GMT
A mate of mine bought a papershop - it blew away !!
Alan :-)
|
|
|
Post by ZalStillRools on Nov 16, 2007 20:07:35 GMT
Bloke walks into a chip shop & says "Fish & Chips twice please", bloke behind the counter says "OK mate I heard you the first time!!"
Alan :-)
|
|
|
Post by ZalStillRools on Nov 16, 2007 20:12:14 GMT
Did you hear about the hyena who ate an Oxo cube - he made a laughing stock of himself.
Alan.
|
|
|
Post by ZalStillRools on Nov 16, 2007 20:13:27 GMT
Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other does this taste funny to you?
Alan.
|
|
|
Post by sahb76 on Nov 16, 2007 21:18:45 GMT
It's alright Alan you can stop now you've proved your point it's not funny and it's not clever.
|
|
|
Post by ZalStillRools on Nov 16, 2007 21:26:20 GMT
I agree wholeheartedly Mick but I want to become a Junior Member, hence the list of naff jokes to get my score up - sorry for any offence the quality of the jokes may have caused!!
There's an Agra on the horizon mate, I'll be in touch as soon as I've got things confirmed.
Alan.
|
|
|
Post by Catherine on Nov 17, 2007 10:59:40 GMT
Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other does this taste funny to you? Alan. I think it's very funny - the last time I heard that joke it was accompanied by.............two snowmen standing in a garden, one says to the other - "can you smell carrots??!!" ;D ;D and two mountains standing in the mountain range, one says to the other - "I don't like it here!!" ;D ;D (sorry, well it is early on a Saturday morning! )
|
|
|
Post by thetomahawkkid58 on Nov 17, 2007 13:00:37 GMT
did you hear about the italian madman.......................................he was ice screamin
|
|
|
Post by ZalStillRools on Nov 17, 2007 19:40:28 GMT
Plastic surgeon sat in front of the fire - he melted. Alan
|
|
|
Post by ZalStillRools on Nov 17, 2007 19:42:05 GMT
I went to the doctor the other day, he's bloody hopeless - I asked for something for the wind & he gave me a kite.
|
|
|
Post by ZalStillRools on Nov 17, 2007 19:45:16 GMT
Next time I went I wanted for something for my liver - gave me a pound of onions.
|
|
|
Post by Mrs Foster on Nov 19, 2007 17:15:34 GMT
>>>> HHHHHHHEEEEEE HHHHHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>>>> THE thingy STUDY>> The > American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's > > thingy> was larger than the shaft.> After 1 year and $180,000, they > Concluded that the reason that the head> was> larger than the shaft was > to give the man more pleasure during sex.>> After the US published the > study, the French decided to do their own> study.> After $250,000 and 3 > years of research, they concluded that the reason the> head was larger > than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during > sex.>> > Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own > study.> After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, > they> concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and > hitting > himself in the forehead.>>>>
|
|
|
Post by ZalStillRools on Nov 22, 2007 18:25:51 GMT
I went to the doctor the other day & told him that every time I sneeze I get a hard on - he said are you taking anything for it, I said "yes - pepper".
Alan.
|
|
|
Post by platterpete on Nov 24, 2007 14:23:07 GMT
Things to think about If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
|
|
|
Post by platterpete on Nov 24, 2007 14:25:55 GMT
Questions & Answers Following questions and answers were collated from last year's GCSE exams
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does *varicose- mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.- A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word *benign- mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
|
|
|
Post by Mrs Foster on Nov 24, 2007 19:05:51 GMT
GLASGOW COMMONWEALTH GAMES
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth games Glaswegian competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).
Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a Securicor officer. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.
Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.
Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the synchronized swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool.
The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be found.
Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dalmarnock, especially anyone who appears to be mincing.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Calton Health in the Community anti-drug campaign, synchronized rock throwing and music by The Bridgeton Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused Celtic supporters.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.
|
|
|
Post by colinmcb on Nov 25, 2007 19:43:00 GMT
|
|