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Post by platterpete on Jan 19, 2008 9:37:31 GMT
letters to viz
If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing. Christina Martin, London
I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem. Martin Kristos
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. Johnny Pring
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm. Alan Heath
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. M Lovejoy
'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes. Mrs Pinches, Hereford
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good. S Prodnipple, Scarborough
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh. D Antarctica , Rhyll
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive. Stella Matlock
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight. T Potter
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while. Warren
THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with. Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation. Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. Neil Palmer
I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something. A Terrorist
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. Stu Bray ' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. Raymond Wankyb *** cks
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Post by platterpete on Jan 25, 2008 17:56:57 GMT
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father Looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!' Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't Even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'
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Post by platterpete on Jan 25, 2008 22:51:46 GMT
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them Pass on this advice !
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Post by platterpete on Jan 25, 2008 22:53:00 GMT
A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings .'
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings .'
The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings .'
The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'
The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.'
..........You're gonna love this........
The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbit chewate
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Post by platterpete on Jan 26, 2008 12:50:03 GMT
A married couple were on holidayin Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such whenthey passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'Youforeigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I tinkyou would be interested in... Dey make you wild at 5ex.' The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt hereally didn't need them, being the 5ex god he was. The husband asked theshopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a 5ex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nuttingcept try dem on.' So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and triedthem on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,something his wife hadn't seen in many years! Inthe blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently overa table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firmhold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, yougot dem on da wrong feet!'.
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Post by platterpete on Jan 27, 2008 18:01:09 GMT
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my thingy to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old CPO insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's thingy and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "The Falklands."
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Post by platterpete on Jan 27, 2008 18:02:53 GMT
IF MEN WHERE AGONY AUNTS Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Suzy Fox
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Suzy,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel filter. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Good luck, Ted
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Post by platterpete on Jan 27, 2008 18:05:54 GMT
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
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Post by platterpete on Jan 27, 2008 18:06:33 GMT
Rude one this ...........................
When is a Gnome not a Gnome?
When he's got his head up a Fairy's dress, he's a Goblin!
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Post by huntvambo on Jan 27, 2008 20:09:36 GMT
Scientists claimed recently that beer contains trace elements of female hormones. To demonstrate their theory, they gave 100 men eight pints of beer. Every single one became emotional, talked excessively without making sense, couldn't drive and refused to apologise when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
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Post by charity on Jan 27, 2008 20:28:07 GMT
Scientists claimed recently that beer contains trace elements of female hormones. To demonstrate their theory, they gave 100 men eight pints of beer. Every single one became emotional, talked excessively without making sense, couldn't drive and refused to apologise when wrong. No further testing is planned. Oooh!!
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Post by hannah on Jan 27, 2008 20:30:48 GMT
Scientists claimed recently that beer contains trace elements of female hormones. To demonstrate their theory, they gave 100 men eight pints of beer. Every single one became emotional, talked excessively without making sense, couldn't drive and refused to apologise when wrong. No further testing is planned. Oooh!! Sort him out Margie!!!!! ;D
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Post by huntvambo on Jan 28, 2008 18:38:09 GMT
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Sunderland, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales
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Post by bleedinfingers on Jan 28, 2008 19:47:51 GMT
How did the pixie get pregnant, She sat on a toads tool.
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Post by Big Louie on Jan 28, 2008 21:03:21 GMT
This procedure also works in Sunderland, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales Oi. I'm from Bradford.....
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Post by sahb76 on Jan 28, 2008 21:47:48 GMT
After speaking to his passengers the pilot forgets to turn off the intercom.He turns to the co-pilot and says "I'm gonna have a 5hit and then I'm gonna 5hag the ar5e off that new air hostess. The air hostess runs up the aisle to warn the pilot that the intercom is still on but trips over halfway. "No need to rush love" says an old lady " he's having a 5hit first"
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Post by chad on Jan 29, 2008 13:28:17 GMT
If I bought a Teddy Bear for £10… Call it Mohammed… and sell it for £20
Did I make a profit?
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Post by craigosm on Jan 29, 2008 13:32:08 GMT
The PC laws gonna get cajun ....
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Post by charity on Jan 29, 2008 13:39:50 GMT
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Sunderland, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales To twist the Michael Caine quote.....you're only meant to blow the bloody balls off!!
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Post by chad on Jan 29, 2008 14:42:35 GMT
Why Does tha Clyde run through Glasgow? If it walked it would get Stabbed _______________ woman walks into the dentist and site on the chair
detist asks - "comfy"
woman says " govan wit aboot u"
_____________________ guy goes into a shop and asks how much for the stags head mounted on the wall
store worker says " a grand"
guy says - " a grand ... thats affa dear" _______________________
Guy walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm and says "this is the pig that I shag when you've got a headache" His wife lifts her head off the pillow and says "thats not a pig, its a sheep" Guy replies "I wasn't talking to you" __________________
Why is PMS called PMS??
because mad cow disease was already taken
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Post by Mrs Foster on Jan 29, 2008 16:21:51 GMT
;D ;D Ho HoHo Chad, the wummin' wull be efter ye for that... ;D
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Post by bleedinfingers on Jan 29, 2008 16:26:03 GMT
Do dyslexic confused atheist insomniacs, Lie awake all night wondering if their really is a DOG.
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Post by chad on Jan 30, 2008 15:27:45 GMT
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Post by charity on Jan 30, 2008 22:12:52 GMT
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Post by platterpete on Jan 30, 2008 22:54:40 GMT
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